How To Lie Like A Dog
May 12th, 2008 · 12 Comments
In todays society lying is no longer an option, it is a skill that is absolutely necessary for survival.
I’m not here to discuss the ethics of lying (that’s what philosophy websites are for), nor am I here to tell you to always be “good” (the world isn’t black and white by the way). Nope, I’m here to tell you how to lie and lie so well that no one (not even your own mother) will know.
But this is only fair. The world can be a downright evil place and it’s totally reasonable that you have the tools to fight back. With that said I’m going to treat everyone like an adult, and ask that you use these abilities for good… mmmkay?
Knowing when you should lie is a tricky skill all by itself. So before lying you should first evaluate both the potential benefits of a successful lie against the consequences of getting caught. If the benefits clearly outweigh the risks, then you are probably good to go. But remember that you may be risking your own reputation by lying and there are social consequences (people may no longer trust you) if you get caught.
The Truth About Lie Detection
The best lie-detecting psychologists in the business will point out that there is no foolproof method for detecting lies. Let me make this very clear: THERE IS NO FOOLPROOF METHOD FOR DETECTING LIES.
When a trained professional wants to know if someone is lying, they are forced to look for indirect signs. They look for behaviors and language that seem out of place. Things like nervousness, hesitation, and defensiveness are some of these signs. Even polygraph tests look for indirect signs, such as a change in heart rate or blood pressure.
Telling effective lies, however, is not simply about trying to mask these outward signs. Lying convincingly is all about your own MINDSET. When you have the correct mindset your body language and behavior will automatically follow. You will not even have to think about masking behaviors because all of your behaviors will seem natural. You will show none of the indirect signs and your lies will become indistinguishable from the truth.
Create A Plausible Story
The first thing you’re going to need to do before lying is prepare the story that agrees with all the available evidence. This story needs to be kept as simple as possible and things that are “out of the ordinary” must be kept to a bare minimum. Really picture yourself in that situation as vividly as possible, and go over it a few times in your head. If anything seems unbelievable then you need to come up with a better story.
Burning houseAlso be sure that your behavior in the story is “in character.” For example, hardly anyone is going to believe that you were late for work because you ran into a burning house to rescue an old women. However, most people will believe that you were late for work because you tripped on the sidewalk and tore a hole in your pants. While it’s not necessary to be self deprecating or embarrassing, keeping the story “in character” makes the story personal and much more believable.
To make sure that your story is good also ask yourself the 6 Ws for your story: Who, What, When, Where, Why and HoW.
- What were you doing?
- Who were you with?
- When and Where were you?
- Why were you doing what you were doing?
- And HoW did you do it?
Also try to imagine how someone else (an onlooker) would see the whole situation. If the story still seems legitimate, then you have probably got a good story.
Practice The Story And Develop Details
Go over the fake story as many times as you can in your head. Try to imagine tons of other little details that may not be directly relevant to the story, but will give your story depth. The most effective details are unverifiable and subjective (e.g. “the soda was flat”).
Here are some good questions: What were you wearing? Were you hot or cold? Did you feel healthy/sick? Were you hungry? Did you have to go to the bathroom? Did the air have a scent or smell ? What did it sound like? Were you preoccupied with something at the time?
Also be sure to consider your emotional state. Think about how you were feeling at each and every moment of the story. Were you happy, sad, angry, etc.?
By rehearsing and questioning your story, your brain will begin to take the story from your imagination and put it into your memory. Ideally you want the entire story stored in your memory. When you are primarily using your memory you will only show those behavioral cues (eye movements, facial twitches, and body language). It doesn’t matter if the memory is the truth or a lie because your memory does not know the difference. All that matters to you is that you display memory-accessing behavior and deceive anyone watching.
Find Confidence By Believing Your Story
Now that you’ve got a good alibi and have set it into your memory it’s time to start believing your story as literal truth. Religion has shown us time and time again that your mind can be manipulated to believe just about anything as fact. So believing your own modest alibi should be no stretch of faith.
When you have gotten to the point of believing your own story NO ONE will be able to tell you are lying without hard evidence. Polygraph tests, MRI scans, and lie detection software will all indicate that you are telling the truth once your own brain really believes.
For this step make yourself comfortable and close your eyes. Concentrate and slowly go over the whole story. Imagine yourself in 1st-person, experiencing every single moment of the story, detail by detail. Know that the events unfolded exactly how you imagine them. Know that what you are thinking is real. Watch the whole story again in you head, but this time see yourself from afar. Notice all the little details you overlooked earlier. Go over the story one more in your head, detail by detail. See the story unfold in any order that you like. This story you see is what happened and you are confident about it.
Prepare For Questions
Naturally people may ask you about what happened. Try to imagine how you would respond and try saying the answers out loud. By rehearsing you will prepare yourself and seem much more confident when you actually answer. Know that your answers are true to what you believe, and other people will trust this confidence.
Trained professional will often look for altered sentence structure and for words that are emphasized. A nervous person will tend to emphasize odd words and will think too much about how they are saying their answer. A confident person, on the other hand, will see the story unfolding in their head. They will not put too much thought into how or what they are saying and their speech will flow freely.
The Moment Of Truth
Your brain is confident in what you believe. Tell you story to anyone with ease.
Don’t Fall For Bluffs
There is still the chance that someone may doubt you and will try to catch you with a bluff. A bluff happens when a doubter lies to you about what they know in an attempt to catch you off guard. The doubter doesn’t actually know the truth but is hoping that you will panic and admit to lying without first seeing/hearing the evidence. Don’t fall for it. The trick is to remain calm and “deny, deny, deny.”
This is how a bluff happens… quoting a Seinfeld episode called “The Red Dot.”
Elaine: Hey George, did you buy that sweater knowing that red dot was on it because you could get it at a discount?
George: What? Did I what?
Elaine: You did didn’t you.
George: Elaine, I’m, I’m shocked. I’m shocked. Here I go out in the spirit of the season (Elaine looking like she’s not buying a word of it) and spend all my savings to buy you the most beautiful Christmas sweater I have ever seen to show my appreciation to you at Christmas and this is the thanks that I get at Christmas.
Elaine: Well Jerry told me that you did.
George: You told her? How could you tell her? I told you not to say anything.
Jerry: I didn’t tell her you stupid idiot. She tricked you!
Elaine bluffed and George fell for it.
When someone tries to bluff, just remain calm and deny. The doubter is taking a risk by doubting what you have said, and it lets you and everyone else that they don’t trust you. You can use this to your advantage as long as you stay calm and collected.
If you would still like some extra practice to perfect your lying, try recording yourself on video telling both lies and the truth. Notice differences in you facial gestures and body language and practice until the two are indistinguishable. Practice makes perfect.