It appears the Good News just keeps getting better.
The baby Shiloh: Chosen by God to stop global warming
Jonathan David Morris
June 20, 2006
Former beard wearer and popular vote winner Al Gore has a new movie out this month called An Inconvenient Truth. In it, he makes the case that humans have but ten years to reverse course and stave off the horrors of global warming. Assuming this thesis is anywhere near true — and what the hell, let's just say it is — I can still think of at least three reasons why Iron Al's movie might not make a difference:
1. Because it's a movie: People may well walk out of theaters planning
to fight global warming. That's great, but people may well walk out of Superman
Returns planning to fly home.
2. Because he's Al Gore: Let's be honest with ourselves here. It
doesn't matter if his facts are accurate, or if his intentions with
this movie are genuine. He can tell every interviewer in the world this
film has nothing to do with him running for president. I can think of
at least 60 million Bush voters who aren't going to believe him, who
will probably contribute to global warming on purpose just to
3. Because saving the world is like voting for president: I don't
recycle. I also don't take elections seriously. This is no coincidence.
In both cases, I realize I wield little personal power.
Now, all that said, I want to be more than the bearer of bad news here. I think An Inconvenient Truth
is a convenient starting point for changing hearts and minds on the global warming issue. But in order to truly make a difference, I believe it needs some sort of marketing tie-in. People need to know this problem hits close to home. And they need to know it transcends mere politics. They need a reason to cross partisan boundaries — a reason to unite on the steps of Capitol Hill and hold hands and sing the Pledge of Allegiance and/or We Shall Overcome.
Only one thing can compel people to act this way. And that one thing is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's baby, Shiloh.
In order to stop global warming, Al Gore has to threaten to kill that baby.
I know this is going to make a whole lot of people a whole lot of uncomfortable. But when you get right down to it, it's the only way.
Just think about how big a deal this baby is for a moment. For months and months and months, the whole world watched and waited for word of its birth. We're talking about the whole world here. Moses never got this sort of press. Jesus never got this sort of press.
Now that it's born, this Shiloh kid's an even bigger deal than ever. Whole cults are practically popping up around the thing. It's weeks old and it's already starting fashion trends. Magazines are paying enough
to feed whole countries — and even enough to feed small planets — just for pictures of the tyke. Why? Most of us want nothing to do with anyone else's baby pictures. Baby pictures annoy people. And yet, in
the case of Shiloh, people — and People — just can't get enough.
This kid's soiled diapers would outsell almost anything else currently listed on eBay. There is very little chance that you, me, or anyone else reading this article will ever see as much money in our lifetimes
as this stupid baby has already commanded in just under a month. This is power. Real power.
And Al Gore would be crazy not to tap into it. Simply put, Shiloh is the only creature alive at the moment with the power to stop people's high-pollutin' ways.
What I'm proposing would take very little effort on Gore's part. And, if done correctly, it may take little actual infanticide on his part, too. Matt Lauer usually sets aside at least half an hour of Shiloh time each morning between war updates and domestic politics on the Today Show. Simply use that time to go on TV and let the People of Earth know they're facing two grave problems. One, global warming. Two, the clubbing of Young Brangelina like a baby seal. Then encourage them to log onto the official Inconvenient Truth website, climatecrisis.net, to learn how changing a light bulb and adjusting their thermostat can
cool down the planet and ensure the continued existence of the world's most popular little poop factory.
And that's it.
I realize this solution is a tad unconventional. It may even be wrong in some sense or another. Or illegal. Or just plain not funny. But it's not intended to be funny. It's intended to save the planet. And I am certain it will work.
If I'm wrong? Well, then I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, and Shiloh dies a martyr, and polar bears start melting, and the oceans swallow New York. But if I'm right? Then by the time this kid's ten and stops being cute
and starts doing coke in the bathroom at Drew Barrymore parties, the world will be a happier, healthier, and environmentally friendlier place.
Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on politics and personal freedoms.
His website is www.readjdm.com,
and he can be reached at email@example.com.
"I find Mr. Ellis' to a hard man to nail down. I like dealing with people who are predictable. They are easier to control. He, however, is just not EVIL enough to make the grade in my evil empire.
"His concept of PERFECTED MIND CONTROL is a novel idea, one that I toyed with as youth growing up in Austria. Interestingly, I found my best subjects to be bar maids and the daughters of stable keepers. Frankly, the placing of my FemBots in the right place takes less time and is more predictable. But, I believe in setting goals, so after toying with the practice of hypnotic mind control I set my sites higher on world domination.
"That's another thing about Mr. Ellis; his lack of extreme ambition. He will never aspire to the wealth and power that I have acquired throughout my evil career.
"But that is enough about me.
"Regarding his theories of PERFECTED MIND CONTROL , yes, of course it works given the proper practice. This topic now bores me."
~ Dr. Evil
by Quasar Bob
By inducing the human subject into a state of hypnosis, you can easily manipulate their thoughts and actions as well.
The form of hypnosis we will be talking about today is "Brainwashing" - "A non-violent method that uses mind control techniques to convince a person to abandon some of their basic beliefs and adopt the beliefs of the indoctrinator."
Cults have used this technique for years to recruit new members. Charles Manson, through drugging his subjects (using Mescaline and LSD) and befriending them, eventually commanded them to carry out his evil murderous deeds. In very primitive eras, the subject was deprived of a healthy diet (only given one meal a day) which gave them LSD-trip (IT IS NOT RECOMMENDED THAT YOU DO THIS RECREATIONALLY!)
(NOTE: This is not as simple as it sounds, and takes lots skills to pull off.) First, you get your human subject. Next, you must drug them at regular intervals every day; this is followed through with lots of friendly conversing with the subject. Explain your beliefs and TELL the subject why it is vital he/she must listen to you. TRUST IS THE KEY FACTOR IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! Once trust is gained, the relationship escalates from a friendly acquantance into STERN ORDERS! You order your subject to do your bidding for you! This is a huge benefit!
Now, we will go through the various drugs used for inducing a beneficial state of euphoria in the subject - -
Benzodiazepines like Xanax (Alprazolam) and Valium (Diazepam) can be used at a 50% success rate. Barbiturates, which act as a central nervous system depressant, are the drug of choice; they render your subject harmless and maleable. MDMA (methylenedioxymethamphetimine, "ECSTACY") when used in combinations with Barbiturates/or Knockout Drops allows an almost 90% success rate in brainwashing ths subject. MDMA causes the subject to be easy-going, sugjestive, and overly-friendly. The MK/ULTRA SCAM made famous TD ("Truth Drug") a mixture of equal parts Tobacco and Marijuana, for getting the subject into a relaxed state. Whatever drug you choose, TRUST is the main factor in this experiment.
FYI, I have every intention of jumping on the 666 marketing band wagon so stay tuned for the big announcement... On June 6th, 2006.
BUFFALO, N.Y. -- The number 666 -- the "number of the beast," according to the Book of Revelation -- conjures devilish images for many, so forecasts of evil, even doom, are rampant regarding dates or places where the number occurs, including next Tuesday, June 6, or 6-6-06.
"Let anyone with understanding calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a person. Its number is six hundred sixty-six." (Revelation 13:16-18, New Revised Standard Version)
Fears of 666, long believed to be the dreaded mark of Satan, are based on a "widespread misinterpretation" of the chapter in Revelation -- appropriately, chapter 13 -- in which the number is discussed, according to a University at Buffalo expert on the origins, nature and meaning of cults, superstitions and cultural identities.
Phillips Stevens, Jr., Ph.D., associate professor of anthropology,
explains that "like most superstitions, the avoidance of the numbers 13
and 666 are examples of magical thinking.
"People everywhere believe that things associated with other things,
through actual contact or just some similarity, have causal
relationships, even over space and time," Stevens says. "Things
associated with good events or great people can bring good fortune;
things associated with failure, disastrous events or evil people carry
some of that negativity with them."
And, like many superstitions, the one regarding 666 is based on
incorrect data: the "beast" referred to in the chapter is not Satan,
but, in fact, several other entities.
"Revelation is a complex and confusing book, and is rarely read closely
by lay people. Biblical scholars have pointed out that there are
several 'beasts,' in Chapter 13 and elsewhere, and they all refer
variously to Rome, Roman emperors and Roman cults of god- and
emperor-worship," Stevens says.
"Revelation" author, John of Patmos, traditionally believed to be St.
John the Apostle, was writing to other persecuted Christians in code,
according to Stevens, so "many of the strange elements in 'Revelation'
signify events, people or institutions familiar to first-century
"The mark of the beast, 666, signifies those in thrall to the emperor
and thus opposed to Christianity, and is most probably the numerical
equivalent of the Hebrew letters for Nero," Stevens says.
The First and Second Letters of John use the term "Antichrist" to
denote lapsed Christians. Over subsequent centuries, the legend
developed that the "end times" would be foreshadowed by the arrival of
the Antichrist, an evil figure commissioned by Satan to prepare the
world for his coming.
"Many perceived enemies of Christianity have been labeled the
Antichrist, and Nero was one of the first," Stevens says, adding that
there is an ever-growing, ever-changing list of persons considered the
Antichrist that features "a long string of mostly historical figures --
Saladin was on the list, as was Hitler, and Saddam Hussein. The list
varies according to who compiles it. Early Reformation-era Protestants
had some popes on their list."
Chapter 13 in Revelation declares that the Antichrist was empowered by
Satan, who is described as a dragon.
"So, although 'the beast' is not Satan, in Christian tradition 'the
mark of the beast' was authorized by Satan," Stevens says. "And so,
like that other Christian superstition, Friday the 13th -- from the
Last Supper, where there were 13 people at the table, and the
Crucifixion occurred the next day, a Friday -- 666 has become a strong
taboo, avoided because of its negative association."
Generations have shunned the number to the point that it is erased or
changed if and when it appears, Stevens notes. Authorities have
re-numbered various U.S. highways previously numbered 666, and the town
of Bel Air, Calif., changed the 666 street number of the house that
President Ronald Reagan purchased upon leaving Washington, D.C.
Beyond mere superstition, many others believe conspiracy theories that
have cropped up regarding the number 666, Stevens adds.
"They believe the sinister number 666 is encoded in our nation's
banking system, in our medical and governmental records, and in our
very identity, in personal documents and in UPC bar codes -- this
latter is evidence of the fulfillment of Revelation prophecy," he says.
No surprise, then, that someone has found a way to make money off all
these fears: coming soon is a remake of the 1976 horror film, "The
Omen," the story of a modern-day birth of an Antichrist figure in the
form of an evil boy named Damien (the original starred Gregory Peck and
Lee Remick). Producers have scheduled the movie's release date for --
when else? -- next Tuesday, June 6, 2006.
Perhaps tickets should be sold for $6.66?